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Announcer: And now,
a message from Pathological Liars Anonymous.
"Hello, my name is Tommy
Flanagan, and I'm a member of Pathological Liars Anonymous. In fact.. I'm
the president of the organization! I didn't always lie. No, when I was
a kid, I told the truth. But then one day, I got caught stealing money
out of my mother's purse. I lied. I told her it was homework -that my teacher
told me to do it. And she got fired! Yeah, that's what happened! After
that, lying was easy for me. I lied about my age and joined the army. I
was thirteen at the time. Yeah.. I went to Vietnam, and I was injured catching
a mortar shell in my teeth. And they made me a three-star general! And
then I got a job in journalism, writing for the National Enquire.. er,
Geographic! Yeah.. I was making twenty thousand a ye.. month! In fact,
I won the Pulitzer Prize that year! Yeah, that's the ticket.
And then my cousin died -
Joe Louis - and I took it hard. Maybe too hard - I tried to kill myself.
Yeahh.. I did kill myself! Sure! I was medically dead for a week and a
half! It was a woman that brought me out of it - Indira Gandhi! Yeah, right..
And she told me about Pathological Liars Anonymous. Oh, you'd be surprised
how many famous people belong. In fact.. at one of the meetings I met my
wife - Morgan Fairchild! Yes, I'm a change man now, and all because of
Pathological Liars Anonymous. Why, I - I even have my picture on the cover
of Newsweek magazine. Yeah. Every day! Yeah.. that's the ticket! Yeah,
you betcha!"
(Tommy's
first appearance on November 16, 1985)
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Tommy's 2nd appearance
on November 23, 1985
Pee Wee & Tommy In Jail
(with guest Pee Wee Herman)
Tommy
& Pee Wee (4:29)
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Tommy's 3rd appearance
on December 14, 1985
Tommy & His Mother
(with guest Tom Hanks)
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Tommy's 4th appearance
on January 25, 1986
Tommy on Weekend Update
(with Dennis Miller)
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Tommy's 5th appearance
on February 15, 1986
Pathological Liar Picks Up
Jerry Hall
Tommy
& Jerry (3:35)
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Bartender: What
can I get you?
Jerry Hall: Uh..
I think I'll have a white wine spritzer. [ he places it on the counter
and moves aside ] Can I get a
light?
[ pulls out a cigarette ]
Tommy Flanagan:
[ swaying next to her with a cigarette lighter extended toward her ] I
got it!
Jerry Hall: Thank
you.
Tommy Flanagan:
My name's Tommy, Dr. Tom.. uh.. Senator Tommy Flanagan.
Jerry Hall: Really?
Tommy Flanagan:
Mmm hmm.. Say, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Jerry Hall: I
doubt it.
Tommy Flanagan:
Oh, I know! I saw you at the.. White House! Yeah, that's the ticket. Why,
I was just there last..
uh.. yesterday.
Yeah.. having dinner with the Royal Family.
Jerry Hall: Which
Royal Family?
Tommy Flanagan:
Uh.. the one on TV. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a producer, you know. Big-time tele..
movie producer.
Yeah, that's
the ticket! So, what do you do?
Jerry Hall: Oh,
I do some modeling, I wrote a book, and I'm into rock and roll.
Tommy Flanagan:
Oh, yeah? I wrote a book about rock and roll. Yeah, it was about the guy
who invented rock
and roll.
Yeah, that's it! In fact, it was.. it was an autobiography! Yeah!
Jerry Hall: [
not buying it ] You invented rock and roll?
Tommy Flanagan:
Mmm hmm. Swing, too. Yeah, I played with all the big bands - Elvis Presley,
Benny
Goodman,
Buddy Holly, The Who..
Jerry Hall: And
I suppose you played with The Stones, too, huh?
Tommy Flanagan:
Well, now you're being silly! I never played with them.
Jerry Hall: I
didn't think so.
Tommy Flanagan:
No. I managed them! Yeah.. I did. In fact, I wrote all their songs, too.
You remember
"Satisfaction"?
I wrote it!
Jerry Hall: You
did not write "Satisfaction".
Tommy Flanagan:
Well.. not all of it. Actually.. uh.. Mick Jagger wrote it. Yeah, that's
it! But it was originally
called,
uh.. "I Can't Get No.. uh.. Service in This Place".. and I changed it!
Jerry Hall: You
know Mick Jagger?
Tommy Flanagan:
Yeah. We were in Vietnam together. In fact, I saved his life.
Jerry Hall: He
was never in 'Nam.
Tommy Flanagan:
That's how I saved his life - I talked him out of going!
Jerry Hall: Come
on! you never met Mick Jagger!
Tommy Flanagan:
Oh, yeah? How do you know?
Jerry Hall: Because
I'm his wife.
Tommy Flanagan:
Oh. [ looks at her hand ] Yeah, well, where's your wedding band?
Jerry Hall: We're
not exactly married.
Tommy Flanagan:
Ah-ha! I knew you were lying!
Jerry Hall: Well,
I am his girlfriend. [ looks to her side ] In fact, here he is now!
Mick Jagger: Hi,
darling! I'm sorry I'm a little late. I was.. locked in the studio.
Jerry Hall: Never
mind, let's just get going.. [ gets up ]
Tommy Flanagan:
[ faking ] Hey, Mick, how you doing! It's me, Tommy! Remember?
Mick Jagger: Who's
this guy?
Jerry Hall: Some
guy named "Tommy", who thinks he knows you.
Mick Jagger: [
thinking ] Oh, yeah.. I know him!
Tommy Flanagan:
[ surprised ] You do?
Jerry Halll: [
also surprised ] Really?
Mick Jagger: Yeah.
You remember last weekend when I didn't come home? Uh.. I.. I was.. I was
with Tommy.
That's right!
We were.. we were.. uh.. [ Tommy pantomimes fishing ] ..fishing together!
That's the ticket! Right,
Tommy?
Tommy Flanagan:
[ on the spot ] Yeah, Mick, that's the ticket! You and me, fishing! Yeah!
You bet!
Mick Jagger: We
caught one this big! [ holds his arms out a couple of feet, while Tommy
holds his out twice as
much ]
Jerry Hall: [
not interested, wanting to go ] Come on.. [ pulls Mick out of the bar ]
Tommy Flanagan:
See? I told you I knew him.
Mick Jagger: [
whispering to Tommy as he passes ] Thanks, buddy, I owe you for this one.
[ faces the camera
before he
exits ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" |
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Tommy's 6th appearance
on February 22, 1986
Tommy's Studio Tour
(with Jay Leno)
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Tommy's 7th appearance
on March 15, 1986
SNL Rumors
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Tommy's 8th appearance
on March 22, 1986
Tommy As Grant Tinker
(with Francis Ford Coppola
and Lornie Michaels)
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Tommy's 9th appearance
on May 10, 1986
Producer Tommy Flanagan
(with Katherine Oxenberg)
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Tommy's 10th appearance
on May 17, 1986
Mike "The Menace" Hall
(Dennis Miller w/ Anthony
Michael Hall)
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Tommy's 11th appearance
on October 11, 1986
Tommy & His Girlfriends
(with Sigourney Weaver)
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Tommy's 12th appearance
on November 8, 1986
Tommy "Lorne" Flanagan
(with Rosanna Arquette)
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Tommy's 13th appearance
on December 6, 1986
Weekend Update
(with Dennis Miller &
Chevy Chase)
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Tommy's 14th appearance
on January 24, 1987
Tommy & Walter Payton
(with Walter Payton &
A Whitney Brown)
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Tommy's 15th appearance
on February 21, 1987
Tommy & Willie Nelson
(with Willie Nelson)
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Tommy's 16th appearance
on May 23, 1987
Weekend Update
(with Dennis Miller)
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Tommy's 17th appearance
on April 1, 1989
Weekend Update
(with Dennis Miller)
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Tommy's last appearance
on November 8, 1997
Weekend Update
(with Norm MacDonald)
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Yeah,
that's the ticket !
I
was frozen in a glacier
I
discovered the Philipines
I
went to Tibet
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Hanukkah Harry
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Hanukkah Harry appeared
2 times on Saturday Night live.
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Hanukkah Harry's
1st appearance on December 16, 1989
The Night Hanukkah Harry
Saved Christmas
(with Victoria Jackson
and Mike Myers)
Hanukkah
Harry Saves Christmas
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Hanukkah Harry's
1st appearance on April 14, 1990
The Night Hanukkah Harry
Saved Easter
(with Jan Hooks and Tom
Schiller)
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Master Thespian
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Master Thespian appeared
13 times on Saturday Night Live
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Master Thespian's
1st appearance on December 7, 1985
Master Thespian
(with John Lithgow as
Baudelier)
Master
Thespian (4:56)
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Master Thespian's
2nd appearance on January 25, 1986
Master Thespian
(with Dudley Moore
as Sir Roger Tewksbury)
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Master Thespian's
3rd appearance on February 15, 1986
Master Thespian
(with Jerry Hall as Sire
Rebecca Maheux)
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Master Thespian's
4th appearance on March 22, 1986
Master Thespian's Ghost
(with Francis Ford Coppola)
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Master Thespian's
5th appearance on March 22, 1986
The Grand Finale
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Master Thespian's
6th appearance on April 19, 1986
Master Thespian
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Master Thespian's
7th appearance on November 22, 1986
And So Adieu
(with Phil Harman as
Godfrey)
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Master Thespian's
8th appearance on April 11, 1987
Master Thespian
(with John Lithgow as
Baudelaire)
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Master Thespian's
9th appearance on December 19, 1987
Master Thespian
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Master Thespian's
10th appearance on January 30, 1988
Master Thespian
(with Carl Weathers as
Chin Hua)
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Master Thespian's
11th appearance on November 19, 1988
Master Thespian
(with John Lithgow as
Baudelaire)
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Master Thespian's
12th appearance on December 10, 1988
Monologue
(with Kevin Kline)
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Master Thespian's
last appearance on February 25, 1989
Master Thespian
(with Glenn Close as
Astoria Dubois V)
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Brilliant ! Genius
!
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Harry Meyer
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Harry Meyer appeared
2 times on Saturday Night Live
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Harry Meyer's 1st
appearance on October 18, 1986
Johnny's Finished
(with Phil Hartman as
Johnny O'Connor)
I'm
Lettin' You Go !
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Harry Meyer's 2nd
appearance on September 20, 1989
Johnny's Replacement
(with Phil Hartman as
Johnny O'Connor and Bruce Willis as Marty Murphy)
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The Girl Watchers
The Girl Watchers appeared
3 times.
 
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We
Are Losers
I
Don't Know What's Sadder
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Bon
Voyage
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Bob in The Stand-Ups
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The Stand-Ups Appeared
3 times on Saturday Night Live
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The Stand-Ups
The Stand-Ups 1st appearance
on December 14, 1985
(with Damon Wayans)
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The Stand-Ups
The Stand-Ups 2nd appearance
on February 22, 1986
(with Dennis Miller &
Damon Wayans)
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The Stand-Ups
The Stand-Ups last appearance
on February 20, 1988
(with Tom Hanks &
Dennis Miller)
The
Stand-Ups (3:28)
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Mr. Mephistopheles
Mephistopheles appeared
12 times.
 
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Get To Know Me !
Get
To Know Me (1:59)
"The national budget is so complicated,
you have to be a genius to understand it. You also have to be important,
famous and successful. You say you're none of these? Well, then, I have
one piece of advice for you - Get to know me! Get to know my likes, my
dislikes. What makes me tick? What makes me me? What's my favorite color?
Do I always come to life in the Spring? Get to know me! Now, here's a letter
from a man who lives in Manhatten: "Dear Jon, before I got to know you,
I was nothing, nowhere, nobody. I didn't have a cent to my name. In fact,
I didn't have a name - I couldn't afford one. And then I got to know you,
and today they call me Donald Trump!" Get to know me! What do I do in my
spare time? Have I always had this much hair? Where is my secret freckle?
Get to know me! Now, here's a letter from a woman who lives in Europe:
"Dear Jon, before I got to know you, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody. I
had bad teeth and couldn't afford braces. And then one day, I got to know
you. Well, I never got those braces, but today they call me Queen Elizabeth!"
Get to know me! Now, here's a letter from someone who didn't get to know
me: "Dear Blank, I didn't get to know you, signed Nobody." Now, I know
some of you are probably thinking, "What a jerk!" Congratulations! You're
getting to know me! So, remember, if you want to get to know me, get to
know me!" (SNL - Weekend Update - 2/20/88)
 
[open on Jon Lovitz sitting
at a table in the russian Tea Room with Paulina Poriskova]
Jon Lovitz: Hello, I'm
Job Lovitz, and I'm having lunch in the Russian Tea Room with the most
beautiful woman
in the
world - Paulina! Well, we can't all be me. But if you'd like to fulfill
your dream like I did, then I have one
piece
of advice for you - Get To Know Me! When did I chip my tooth? Why do I
drain my foot? Where is my
extra
bone? Get To Know Me! Got to go - listen to him!
Don Pardo: Hello!
Before I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I was stuck in
a room reading
voiceovers
I could barely understand! And then, I got to know him, and now I get to
be on TV! And today,
they
call me.. Don Pardo!
Jon Lovitz: Get To
Know Me! Why do I never wear a hat? Why was I banned from Bangkok? Why
do women
call
me "The Anchor"?
Paulina Poriskova:
You.. stud! You gorgeous hunk of male flesh.
Jon Lovitz: [ to
the camera ] Yes! [ to Paulina ] Uh.. a little lower and to the left. Get
To Know Me! Still
wondering
if you should? Then listen to him!
Lee Iacocca: Before
I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I couldn't get a job
to save my life! And
today,
they call me.. Lee Iacocca! Get to know him! And buy a Chrysler..
Don Pardo: It works,
I tell you, it works!
Jon Lovitz: Get out,
I tell you, get out! Get To Know Me! Why do girls speak to me? Do I shave
my eyebrows
in the
middle? Get To Know Me! And now, a final testimonial, from a man who speaks
the truth!
Steve Martin: Before
I got to know Jon, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody! I was a two-bit comic
with an arrow
stuck
through my head! And then, I got to know him, and now I just starred in
a movie called "Parenthood",
directed
by Opie! And today, they call me.. Steve Martin!
Jon Lovitz: Thank
you.
Steve Martin: Thank
you!
Lee Iacocca: It's
true, I tell you, it's true! Buy a Chrsyler..
Paulina Poriskova:
He's a stud!
Steve Martin: I might
do a movie directed by Potsie!
Don Pardo: I'm on
TV!
Jon Lovitz: Get To
Know Me!! (SNL - 05/20/89) |
