No nursing home, never!
There will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day.
I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long-term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Cigarettes, booze and condoms.
2. Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day.
3. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
4. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
5. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
6. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
7. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
8. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
9. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
10. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go.
So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.
Bring our boys home
We have about 130,000 soldiers stationed in Iraq. We have just marked the second anniversary of the war.
Fact: We are training Iraqis for army and security police duties. These personnel will replace Americans eventually. This training seems to be taking forever. Must be because the Iraqis are slow learners or they're not motivated.
Fact: We have billions earmarked for intrastructure improvements in Iraq. Only a fraction of this has been used in rebuliding the country because of insurgency interruptions, and much of what has already been spent has been spent on security.
Fact: Iraqis and other Arab peoples are capable of taking charge of their own destiny and training at a much faster rate if they are encouraged. You only have to look at how Afghanis have built a major opium business in very short order.
Here's my solution to the Iraqi quagmire:
1) For every month the Iraqis fail to fulfill security requirements in their own country, we will remove 1 billion dollars from the intrastructure rebuilding reserve.
2) These funds, 1 billion dollars per month for as long as it takes, will be recycled back into the American economy.
3) The American voting public, not the government, will decide, via the ballot, where these funds will be spent. We will vote on where 1 billion dollars per month will be spent for one year in advance.
Choices on the ballot might be: boost the social security reserve, provide free health care, reduce the federal deficit, tax relief, gasoline price reduction, and so on.
It is my opinion that when the Iraqis realize they are losing this money they will be encouraged to step up to the plate and get their shit together. It would please me if they didn't and American money was spent on Americans.
Stop the junk mail
When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the
payment let the companies throw them away.
When you get those pre approved letters in the mail for everything from
credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that,
most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why
not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send the
pizza coupon to Citibank.
If you didn't get anything else that day then just send them their
application back! If you want to remain anonymous,
just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can send
it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their
junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's
like to get junk mail, and the best of it is that they're paying for it!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting
into their business, and that's why they need to
increase postage again!
Pass on this good advice to a friend or two or three...or fifty....
Life is good.
Need a public defender? You're screwed!
If you ever find yourself in the hopless situation where you need a public defender, be sure to take along your own Vaseline. Take a look at my own personal story and nightmare on a dedicated page. Click here. A new browser will open.